I took a couple of months off. I worked. Alot. I would like to say that I gained greater clarity these past few months. Learned that clarity is one of the most valuable gifts one can receive when practiced correctly. I’ll say this: I think this is going to be a good year and I’m ready to share that even more. Until then, I’ll show you this….
Retirement for Rubber Sole Shoes
I messed up. I failed. For the better part of nearly two years I compartmentalized that failure and made it my life. It became the banner that I carried and I never put it down. It became the requisite for any analysis that I made up of myself and kept me from allowing anyone to assess me. Me. That was a word that I started out any application with. Ironically, it was the same inhibitor that never allowed me to finish one. I sunk. I dug holes and hid. I stayed away from people and set fire to bridges and I’m unsure if I’ll ever be able to put some of them out. I was a douche. I sat in a room and read books. Sulked. Slept. Stared at a wall, but there was a turning point.
Last week I had to retire a pair of shoes. Those same shoes got me through the first six months of my current job. There a shade darker than what they were when brand new. They have holes and grease marks all over. The tread is mostly gone and what used to be white is now brown. That’s okay. They worked well. They were more successful than any other pair of shoes that I have ever worn. I guess that’s part of the reason why I bought another pair in all white(they match better with khaki). I plan to do better. Organize better. Plan better. Ask better. Be better.
In my mind I put up doors: a door for my pity, a door for my remorse, a door for my fears, a door for mistakes, a door for my regrets, etc. I keep them half locked; not for lack of trying to completely lock them away but that’s bad for me. So one has to deal with it. I’m learning how. I’ll let you know when I’m done.
P.S. On a lighter note: The aforementioned shoes in this story are going to be donated (along with other battered veterans) to the converse re-purposing program to be used for charitable causes(new shoes for less fortunate, parks, basketball courts, etc.). I hope you will do the same now also.
Its great. The CD is even Greater.
It’s Times Like These……
That I wanna spend the night awake…..That I start to get in my own head….That I get both physically and mentally sick…..That I want to go downtown….That I get trapped in my own head, and I lose the key….That my right ring finger starts to itch a little more….That I can’t do social networks anymore…. That I sit up and try to write it out to ‘release’ it…. That I try to figure out, what ‘it’ really is….That I consider abandoning any last hope of contacting friends again…. That I want to run, I want to sleep, I want to hide, I want to listen…. That I pick up my guitar and sit in a dark room alone…. That I finish this up.
Dave Matthews & Tim Reynolds - If i had a boat live (by humblemonkey1)
Great cover of a great Lyle Lovett song that I think is extremely good. It makes me want more.
A letter from an Old buddy, Lost Acquaintance, Missing Friend, Absent Person:
I have been exited of proper mind as of late……I haven’t seen some people in months. Others I have yet to speak, hear, or see in more than a year. If I didn’t know any better I would say that I’ve become a hermit. That’s true. Whats better is that I have somewhat enjoyed it. No pretentiousness. No consistency with keeping up appearances……..Their is the fear of loss.
Yet no one knows of my whereabouts and I’m oddly content with that. Its something that I’ve grown up with and something that I’m comfortable with. You see, that space of years in the recent past was the exception rather than the standard. I’m just fine with being alone. Being the man in the shadows that watches but never participates.
But I leave you with this: for the weddings, the births, the promotions, and other important milestones I give you a blanket congratulations. I wish you all the best. I only ask for this: let me fade into obscurity in solitude. Thanks and you have a great night.
I slept through the New Year……
Mainly because I had to work. Yes, I worked on New Years Day. At 5:00 a.m. My resolution: nothing. If anything I want to keep up on the track that I started myself on during the latter part of the year. Why should I wait for a certain day to start new habits or accomplish new goals. 2011 was a great year and a bad year. I learned new things, had first experiences (both good and bad), and learned new habits. The one most important thing: Outcome equals Input and Income equals Output. Unless you’re incredibly lucky, you’ll never get around it. Lessons learned the hard way can be easily avoided if one is willing to try the hard right instead of the easy wrong. Another thing: Modesty is golden and full disclosure is the only disclosure. I never want to get caught in a lie haven’t in a while because I’ve worked to stop lying. Sleep comes easier that way. But anyway, I read more, study way more than I ever have, and I just shut up and listen now. Less arguments. Hopefully 2012 will be a year for you like I intend for it to be for me: more of the best and less of the worst, and adding to the input and output equations exponentially. Enjoy the music and wait for the magic.
I’m back after a while. I was away but decided to show my face again. How ya doin’? How’s everything with you?
Oh, I’m decent. Why decent? I just don’t feel like I can say I’m good yet, but thanks for asking!
P.S. By the way, what do you want for Christmas?